With the upcoming...HOLIDAYS (insert Psycho shower scene music here), it means I have to go in to various retail establishments a little more than I normally might. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE shopping! But the stress of having to buy for someone else is almost too much. Chickenhead is easy to buy for, we can get him video games or the latest Ninja-Ranger-Power-Funkey-Turtle and he's happy. But shopping for others, and more so, having to shop in the midst of other shoppers makes me nuts!
It never fails, I'm at the Walmarts or Target or wherever, and people stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the g-damned aisle. They stand there slack-jawed like they just had a vision of the Holy Mother when all I can see is a two-fer on beef jerky. Get. The. Hell. Out. Of. My. Way. If you don't know what you want or where it is, step to the side. I'm a pro. I know this store like the back of my hand and I can smell a blue light special a mile away. You can't handle me, buddy. So take your wife encased in stretch knits, and your children of questionable paternity and go hang at the customer service center while you figure out why you're here.
If I can make it to the check out counter without chewing off the insides of my cheeks, half the battle is won! It never fails that I somehow gravitate to the check out line with one or both of the following: the customer who feels it's his patriotic duty to quibble over a two-cent discrepancy on his receipt, and/or the annoying teen punk/goth-chick wannabe clerk who either has to mumble hello to you or loudly try to mack on the clerk running the next lane over. Let's take these on one by one.
If you're receipt is wrong, if you just know in your heart of hearts that the bag of dog food was $4.46 and not $4.47 (note to the Walmarts-you're not fooling anyone, so please just make it $4.50 already), take your argument to customer service. You are not an accountant and this is not April 14, so let's move it along.
Clerk, I am so sorry that your rotten parents are making you work to pay for your car and/or college tuition. Life sucks, doesn't it? But it won't make it any better to try to pick up on the cute girl running Lane 5. No matter how much you tell her that Dungeons and Dragons really is a really cool game (really!), her mono-syllabic answers and casual 'mm-hmms' mean she is not into you. Ever. Really. If you have to pick up on her, do it when the shift is over so she can turn you down properly. Why keep embarrassing yourself in front of me and the guy bitching about his dog food?
So, let's get geared up for the holidays, folks. And remember, if you see me out shopping, stay out of my way!