Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hell, I Don't Know...

I've been struggling for most of the day to write a post for this here blog. Thinking about my struggles with my mom and my best friend's struggles with her daughter got me to thinking about the relationship between mothers and daughters. It got me to wondering if we really do end up becoming our parents, and if we do, I am about to freak the hell out.

A lot of what I feel towards my mom right now is pure guilt. Guilt because there are times when I can't be in the same room as her and I feel horrible for feeling that way. Guilty because I can't stop whatever it is that's happening to her, even though I know that no one expects me to do that. Guilty because I have friends who don't have their moms in their lives, and here I am kvetching about my mom making me nuts.

Is it always this hard for mothers and daughters to get along? Does all this estrogen get in the way of peaceful co-habitation? All these years when I vowed to be 'nothing like that woman', was I on my way to becoming her in some way?

I'll be honest, there are times when I find myself thinking something or saying something and immediately it pops in to my mind- Oh. My. God. I sound exactly like her. Then I wonder if I've been sounding like her for a while and has anyone else noticed?

My mother and I had a forced closeness when I was growing up, because she was a single parent. She was very dependent on my being there all the time, and I'm very conscious of never doing that to Chickenhead. I want him to be independent, self assured and self-reliant. But is our relationship just naturally different, because he's a boy, and because he has a dad, too?

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