Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Blind Date

Many, many years ago, way before I met and fell in love with and married the Husband, I was single. It was a crazy time! I lived at home with my momma and had credit cards in my own name to department stores where I soothed my troubled soul with Chanel #5, shoes and purses and Levi's 501s. What a life! What reckless abandon! What debt!!

Wait, this is about a blind date. Which happened during this time. My very best BFF decided to surprise me on my birthday one year. Hoo-boy, was I surprised! She wanted to fix me up with her boss, whom we'll call 'Fred'. BFF assured me that Fred was a great guy; funny, cute, nice personality, all that. Somehow we decided that rather than it being an actual 'Date' date, she would go along and it would just be a night out to celebrate my birthday. I agreed.

The night of my birthday we were at her apartment, getting ready. I was in the bathroom, curling my bangs in to a kind of high, wall-type thing, which was popular in the late 80s-early 90s (and explains why my hair refuses to cooperate today; its' still traumatized), when the doorbell rang. BFF answered her door, and called me out in to the living room. She said she had a surprise for me. There stood a somewhat attractive looking guy, who smiled shyly at me. I smiled back, thinking he was BFF's boss, but then, BFF pushed the 'play' button on her boombox, and this guy started doing this weird dance. And then, he started unbuttoning his shirt. HOLY CRAP!! SHE GOT ME A STRIPPER!!

Did you know that when a guy is stripping for you, it seems like it goes on for a really, REALLY long time? Did you know that some men just should NOT wear Jockey bikini briefs? For what felt like an eternity, I stood with my jaw touching the floor, my face turning 20 shades of red, while this guy bumped and grinded (ground?) with a grin on his face that made me think he might kill me. He was white, so I think it was just that he was trying extra hard to stay on the beat, take his clothes off, and look at me all at once. Thankfully, it finally ended! Thankfully, he did not take off all of his clothes because I don't think I could have handled that. Thankfully, he left!

After he left, BFF and I kind of looked at each other and exploded with laughter. I think I recall telling her that I hoped she hadn't paid a lot for him, because he really wasn't that great. Not that I had a lot of experience scoping out strippers, because I hadn't, but still. I managed to compose myself and finish getting ready.

About 10 minutes after the stripper left, the doorbell rang again. This time, it was BFF's boss. WHO ALSO HAPPENED TO BE THE STRIPPER! Needless to say, I was pretty much speechless, which doesn't happen a whole lot. It made for an uncomfortable evening to put it mildly. Fred was kind of a jerk at dinner, stiffed the waitress on the tip as I recall, and then drank too much when we went to a nightclub, and hit on me and my BFF both. We both politely turned Fred down, I'm glad to say.

After that, I never went on another blind date. I never let anyone fix me up with someone they knew. If I was going to hook up with crazy, it was going to be on my own terms! I don't really know what became of Fred. Last my BFF saw of him, he was on marriage #2, I think, and probably cheating on that wife just like he did his first one. Wherever Fred ended up, I really hope he didn't pursue a career in male exotic dancing. Ick.

Update- My dear BFF reminded me that it was not her idea to have Fred strip for me. Nope, that was all Fred's doing. He thought it would be better for me to see what I was getting right away! Fred fancied himself to be quite the ladies man. Mm-hmm...


Lola said...

Too funny! My sister and I and our friends went through a faze in our 20's of ordering male strippers for each other's birthdays. I don't know who started it, but thankfully no one ever pulled it on me. I think it was done 3 times, I've got photos in a box somewhere as proof. I know we did it for my sister because I called the number to order the stripper. I was told he was a former Mr. Universe bodybuilder. Ahh, not so much. Maybe 10 years prior...maybe! He was muscular, but not so much and he had a bit of a belly on him. Yeah, don't really wanna see that gyrating in your face.

cozzie laura said...

seriously, that was his intro to you, by stripping down to jockeys? ick ick ick

Lurker Girl said...

EWW EWWW EWWWW!!! Oh the visual flashbacks you must still have!!