Friday, May 14, 2010

Somewhere Out There...

Ok, I first visited this subject back in August, and while it never left my mind completely, it kind of got put on the back burner.

From the time I found out that my mom did have a baby that she gave up for adoption, until the time she passed, that baby was never far from my mind. So many times, I came so close to asking my mom about it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She was so sick, and some days she just wasn't herself. I was so afraid of upsetting her that I chose to play it safe and say nothing. I have a feeling that towards the end of her life, my mom thought about it often. I don't know for certain, but on more than one occasion, she said that God must be punishing her for something terrible that she did. She said that God must hate her for some reason. She felt that her failing health was divine payback for what had to have been a difficult choice for her.

So now that it's been six months since her death, I find myself thinking about this baby again. Of course, she's not a baby now, she would be a 32-yr old woman. I have located the birth records for the hospital where my mom gave birth, and pretty much all it would take to get some of the details is filling out a form and taking a short ride over to the hospital where they are kept now.

For now, all I really want is to know her date of birth, and if possible, if she was adopted. I hope that she was adopted by a family that loved her and gave her everything that my mom wouldn't have been able to give her. I hope that she had a happy childhood filled with birthday parties and sleepovers and first dates and proms and everything that means so much to a young girl. I hope she went to college, found someone to love, and has a family of her own.

I don't know if I want to meet her, but at the same time, I wonder, has she tried to find her birth mother? Has she wondered about the woman who gave her up? Does she have questions about her biological family? The last thing I would ever want to do is contact her out of the blue when that may not be something that she wants, but the curiosity is great. I have the form filled out, it's just a matter of getting in the car and taking that drive...


Carol said...

I say do it! Your just filling out a form. Maybe if you knew a bit more, you would find peace. Love the new layout BTW!

Lurker Girl said...

I also day go for it. You'll have the info and can decide to go from there. Once you get the info YOu might find it helpful to go thru some adoption forums for your area to see if anyone is looking for their birth mother and see if anything matches up.

But you don't HAVE to do anything with the info--it just might bring you a little piece of mind.

I totally LOVE the new layout by the way!!!

cathycan said...

Your post made me cry.
I have always felt a deep sympathy for "birth moms", never having been through it myself, I can only imagine the pain of giving up a child. Nowdays the term, "giving up",isn't used, it's changed to something more p.c, "placing" or something.But it's a sacrifice no matter the term, the greatest sacrifice.
I think you should go for it. Your gut is telling you something.Listen.

Mommas Soapbox said...

I am not a birthmom who has placed a child for adoption but I am an adoptive mom who is so grateful to a birthmom. Without this birthmom I wouldn't have my two beautiful girls.
I STRONGLY believe that your mother was not being punished and it breaks my heart that she felt that way. I am sure it was a very difficult decision for her to make.

I tell both of my girls that their birthmother loved them very much and that she was too young and not able to provide for them everything she wanted them to have. Every child is different and while my girls are still young (10 and 12) my 12 year old doesn't show much interest in any information about her birthfamily while our youngest has asked questions.
I've been told that a note can be left with contact information in an adoption record in case one or the other is wanting to reach the other.
I admire you for putting so much thought into it and not wanting to give a "possible" shock of a lifetime, but OBVIOUSLY caring and wanting what is for the best......whatever that may be.

Lots of prayers going to you. And your mom no doubt filled an answer to someones prayers when she made that very difficult decision that day. I know my daughters birthmom filled an answer to my prayers. One that I could never repay.

Rechelle said...

Whoa! That's... whoa! I would have to find out something. I hope you can too.

Lindsey said...

I think that you should turn it in, if you haven't already. Although I don't know the entire situation with Larry, I would have thought it to be interesting to find my brothers. I have a whole other family out there that I don't know anything about.

Maybe you can leave a note like the other lady said, so it's playing it safe for both sides. But would it shock you the day your sister contacts you out of the blue? Or would it hurt to know that you tried and she didn't? It's something that is a hard decision either way, but I would go with your heart. Somehow it always knows what's right for you :)