I don't know what happens after we pass, but I hope that you at last have peace. I hope that you have found the happiness that seemed to elude you while you were alive.
I think about you a lot. I miss you more than I ever dared to imagine. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are things that I didn't say often enough, like 'I love you'. There were things that I wanted to tell you, wanted to ask you, but was afraid of your reaction, or of upsetting you. I wish I had said 'I'm sorry' a little more often, and I wish I had tried to be a little more understanding.
Ours wasn't an easy relationship, was it? I guess no mother/daughter relationship ever is. Even though we very rarely saw eye to eye on anything, I always loved you. Even when you drove me up the wall, I still loved you!
I felt so helpless the last year of your life. I knew you were getting sicker, so I kept taking you to the doctor, trying to do whatever I could to get you better. A couple of months before you died, you told me that God was punishing you because you had done terrible things. Even though I don't believe in God, that made me so sad. I hated it that you felt that you were a terrible person who deserved what was happening to you, because you weren't. You were sick, and your body was wearing out, but I won't ever believe that you were being punished.
When I found out about my brother, I wanted so badly to talk to you about it, but I was afraid to. By then, your health was getting worse and I was afraid that discussing it would be too much for you. Knowing what I know now, I hope you know I understand. And I'm so sorry that you had to carry around such a huge secret with you for all those years. I wish that you could have talked to someone about it, and I don't know, maybe you did. He's a wonderful person, you would be so proud of him!
Anyway, I wanted you to know that I miss you, and I think of you every day. And I love you. Always.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Posted by Kelley at 5:44 PM