Monday, September 3, 2012

Tales From The Dark Side (an MIL story)

It's no secret that I have a lot of issues tolerating the 10lbs of crazy in a 5lb. sack that is my Mother-In-Law. She wears me out, and I don't even talk to her that often.

My husband was the lucky recipient of a phone call from his momma yesterday, that went on for a good hour. The small portion of the conversation, as I heard it, was the Husband saying, 'mm-hmm', 'interesting', 'mm-hmm' as he watched YouTube videos on his laptop while she blathered on.

MIL's latest saga is that she has MRSA (the drug resistant staph infection? The one that usually eats away so much of a victim's skin that they have to have limbs amputated? Yeah, that one). She claims to have huge blisters all over her skin that are infected, but she's only contagious if they rupture. She's been making this claim for well over a month now, so if she's still this bad off, why isn't she in the hospital? Probably because she doesn't have MRSA, that's why. Sounds like chicken pox if you ask me. To be fair, I haven't seen her in over six months, but I know her history. If you have a cold, she has pneumonia. If Lifetime does a movie where a character has a fatal illness, within a week, she has the exact illness, only worse. She exaggerates a lot, is what I'm saying.

News also came from the crazy train that she's getting another settlement from the breast implant lawsuit that has been going on since I met the Husband. That's almost 19 years for those keeping track. But she doesn't want anyone to know about this settlement, it's (her words) a secret settlement. You know what scares me about the 'secret settlement'? Besides the fact that it will rain QVC and 'as seen on TV' gifts down on my house this Christmas, is the fact that she will use the 'secret settlement' to procure a vehicle. She has a revoked license, a drug habit that would make Keith Richards go pale, and black out episodes caused by her diabeetus (that's how she says it), but she will somehow get a car and terrorize innocent people and parked cars on the streets of our city. I really wish we could move to a different time zone. I'm sure for her, driving will be like riding a broomstick, once you get back on, it all comes back to you.

So put your call blocker on, lock up your kids and your prescription meds, my MIL just may be hitting the streets again soon. Don't say I didn't warn you!


Cha Cha said...

I had no idea you were married to my cousin and my aunt is your MIL. But there's just no other way to explain the similarities!

I must admit ... I love the visual of QVC raining down upon your home at the holidays. But other than that? Oh, sister. You have my sympathies.

Carol said...

I smell a reality tv sitcom....just sayin'!

Kelley said...

If there's a smell, that means something died in her hoard pile!