So over the past couple of days, I've been thinking about getting in the right frame of mind. I've been thinking about my health, and about getting healthy.
I think all of the diet companies, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Sensa, whatever, they don't really care if we actually lose weight or not. Don't get me wrong, I've done WW before and lost weight, but you know what happens? I, like lots of other WW members, gain the weight back. And we beat ourselves up and sign up again. Lather, rinse, repeat. The weight loss industry is just that, an industry. It's all about making money off of our hopes and fears. They tell us that if we lose the weight, our lives will be BETTER!! We'll be HAPPY!! Thin is in, baby, and if you ain't thin, you ain't in.
To which I respectfully say, 'fuck that'. (sorry for the f-bomb!) Happiness does not come from being a certain size, happiness comes only from accepting yourself NOW. Not the person you once were, not the person you wish you were, but the person you are right now. If I can't learn to love and accept the person that I am right now, when will I ever? I'm 45 years old, and it's too long to feel like I'm not worthy of happiness. I have a great husband and son, and the best friends a girl could ever ask for. They all make me very happy, but I also need to be happy with myself. So I'm going to do it!
I will readily admit that I'm an emotional eater. From the time I was a little girl, there was a cookie or some other treat from a well meaning grandma for every boo-boo or disappointment. I ate to cover up the fear and shame when I was being abused by my babysitter's husband. I ate to cover the anger and resentment I felt towards my mother. Food was my friend during the awkward junior high years, when I didn't have many friends. Food was always there, and it still is. If I'm feeling stressed, I want something sweet and carb-filled. If I'm bored, I'm heading towards the fridge in search of something, anything to fill the void.
To be honest, the constant thinking about food, worrying about the calorie count, the guilt I feel when I eat something 'bad', is exhausting. I'm done with all of it.
So today I say, food, you are no longer the boss. I will eat when I'm hungry. I'm going to try really, really hard, to find something else to focus on if I'm feeling stressed or bored. I'm no longer looking at foods as 'bad' or 'good'. Food is food. You have had too much power in my life food, and I'm over it. If I want to eat something that I love, I'm going to do it. But I'm also going to do some things to balance it all out. More water, no soda. A half hour of exercise every day. No more beating myself up if I fall off the wagon. You don't have control anymore, food. It's my turn now. :)