Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hello, Old Friend

It's been quite a while since I've written anything down here.  Maybe I just didn't have much to say, or maybe I felt like what I had to say at the time wasn't worth the examination that comes with writing here.

About two months ago, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  The one thing that I SWORE would never happen to me, happened.  I decided that I was going to deal with it head on and take control.  And since that day?  Yeah, not so much.  I try most days, to do what I'm supposed to do, to eat right, drink plenty of water, etc.  But some days, it seems too hard.  Some days, it seems like too much to deal with, and so I ignore it. 

But it's still there.  And I can't keep on ignoring it.  Today, I posted a picture on Facebook of my friend Carol and I from way back in 1986.  I have looked at that photo off and on today and I don't recognize myself at all.  Who was that girl?   What happened to her?  She would be appalled if she could see me now.  And so, with that in mind, I've decided to stop ignoring myself.  I've decided to stop pretending that I'm the 'happy diabetic' and acknowledge that I'm really fucking pissed off at myself, and I'm going to do something about it.

First thing, I'm starting a regular exercise routine.  I'm doing Couch to 5k.  Not necessarily because I want to run a 5k, but because it's a regular routine that's easy and doesn't require me to buy much more than a couple of t-shirts, some pants and a sports bra.  I have to stop ignoring what's happening to myself, because between my mom and her sister, I've seen what happens when you ignore diabetes, and it's ugly.  I truly don't want to die like that. 

Another thing about 1986 me.  I wish I could go back and tell her that she was worthy of love; worthy of someone loving her, and that she had the strength to let her guard down and love someone in return.  I don't regret the life I have now, I love the Husband and Chickenhead with all my heart.  But there was someone in my life that loved me back then, and I wouldn't let them in.  I was terrified of what he said he felt for me, and of what I felt for him, so I found every reason I could to push him away.  And that was wrong of me.  I do regret how I treated him, because I was a right bitch. 

But, I have learned a lot about myself and about life in general since 1986.  I know now that I am worthy of love, and of giving love.  I have a husband and a son, and friends that I love dearly; they each hold a piece of my heart.  It took me almost 30 years to come this far, and I'm glad that I have.  I can't wait to see how far I go in the next 30.  :)