Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hello, Old Friend

It's been quite a while since I've written anything down here.  Maybe I just didn't have much to say, or maybe I felt like what I had to say at the time wasn't worth the examination that comes with writing here.

About two months ago, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  The one thing that I SWORE would never happen to me, happened.  I decided that I was going to deal with it head on and take control.  And since that day?  Yeah, not so much.  I try most days, to do what I'm supposed to do, to eat right, drink plenty of water, etc.  But some days, it seems too hard.  Some days, it seems like too much to deal with, and so I ignore it. 

But it's still there.  And I can't keep on ignoring it.  Today, I posted a picture on Facebook of my friend Carol and I from way back in 1986.  I have looked at that photo off and on today and I don't recognize myself at all.  Who was that girl?   What happened to her?  She would be appalled if she could see me now.  And so, with that in mind, I've decided to stop ignoring myself.  I've decided to stop pretending that I'm the 'happy diabetic' and acknowledge that I'm really fucking pissed off at myself, and I'm going to do something about it.

First thing, I'm starting a regular exercise routine.  I'm doing Couch to 5k.  Not necessarily because I want to run a 5k, but because it's a regular routine that's easy and doesn't require me to buy much more than a couple of t-shirts, some pants and a sports bra.  I have to stop ignoring what's happening to myself, because between my mom and her sister, I've seen what happens when you ignore diabetes, and it's ugly.  I truly don't want to die like that. 

Another thing about 1986 me.  I wish I could go back and tell her that she was worthy of love; worthy of someone loving her, and that she had the strength to let her guard down and love someone in return.  I don't regret the life I have now, I love the Husband and Chickenhead with all my heart.  But there was someone in my life that loved me back then, and I wouldn't let them in.  I was terrified of what he said he felt for me, and of what I felt for him, so I found every reason I could to push him away.  And that was wrong of me.  I do regret how I treated him, because I was a right bitch. 

But, I have learned a lot about myself and about life in general since 1986.  I know now that I am worthy of love, and of giving love.  I have a husband and a son, and friends that I love dearly; they each hold a piece of my heart.  It took me almost 30 years to come this far, and I'm glad that I have.  I can't wait to see how far I go in the next 30.  :)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

When The Chips Are Down

In a time of crisis, you really do learn who you can count on.  I've got close friends and family members that I can turn to, but the Husband's family?  Not so much.

Last week, I asked my FIL if he could contact the Husband's brother, Dbag, to see if Dbag would call and talk with the Husband.  Dbag is one of the people that the Husband doesn't remember, but he was hoping that if he and Dbag could talk, that maybe it would help trigger some memories.  As the Husband says, "I don't really know what I remember and what I don't".  Dbag, however, told FIL that right now, he can't say yes, and he can't say no to talking to his brother.  Dbag still has some misplaced anger towards the Husband, in regards to a situation with my crazy MIL, that the Husband really had no part of.  Also, Dbag is essentially an asshat, and thinks only of himself.

Yesterday, the Husband and I went to see his primary care doctor.  The doctor said that yes, the Husband has had a concussion, but we're not sure of the severity.  We go for an MRI today to see if there was a brain-bleed or if there's still any swelling of the brain.  Soon, the Husband will begin outpatient therapy to retrain his brain, to regain his balance and stability. 

As far as the memory loss, we don't know if the Husband will ever recover.  Some people do get their memory back, others don't.  I have a lot of anger towards my in-laws right now, especially my BIL Dbag, and my MIL.  They have caused the Husband a lot of  stress and heartache and pain in the past, and I can't help but feel that if he never remembers them, maybe it's not all so bad.  I have to say that as far as my FIL goes, he has his good moments.  He's told us that he can take the Husband to the doctor if I have to work, can watch Chickenhead whenever we need him to.  FIL can be a selfish, clueless moron at times, but considering the rest of the Husband's family, he's not all bad.

Here's hoping that things go well today with the MRI.  I'm hoping that I have a chance to get some crafting done today and again this weekend, and I'm hoping I can post a couple of tutorials here soon!